Frustrated Don’t Begin to Cover It!!!!!

So I thought that I had gotten lucky enough to have a normal sleep schedule. However, then I ended up need to take some medicine for my shoulder because I was losing function of it. This threw my entire sleep schedule off and now I am back to being up all night and sleeping most of the day. This is what is frustrating me, well at least part of it. Although I like the ability to get stuff done because I don’t have others vying for my attention constantly. I do miss the fun I have with them when I get to spend the whole day with them. Mini me is off school for a few more days and I want to get to spend as much time as possible with her before she goes back to school. Not to mention that little monster could be starting school in the fall, I want to help her meet many more milestones before she starts school.

The other thing that frustrates me is that every time I get on a normal schedule it never lasts very long. I sleep pattern is so erratic I can’t stand it. I would like to be able to go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every day. Trust me I have tried all the tricks of the trade. Just nothing seems to work for me. It may work for a short period of time but it stops working. What I wouldn’t give to sleep like a normal person.

But on the bright side. I have been learning Spanish and French in my hours of alone time. You can do it for free with DuoLingo. I am a Level 8 Spanish and a Level 4 French. I think I am going to take up Italian too. Something to help pass the time.

Mean Girls

So my one best friend got me addicted to the show Gossip Girl. I have been bingeing it on Netflix. As I watch it I am reminded of those mean girls I have come across. I totally love whoever Gossip Girl is (I am only one season 4). However, I have known more than one person who had a blog and blasted people on it. But the original mean girl I think of is no longer in the game. But the person that took her spot is no different than here. It reminds me of Blair passing on the title of queen at the high school. It makes me laugh at the fact that this person would blast the person who paved the way. It is just comical. Not only that but they have gone on to repeat the behavior that got the other one so much hate. Oh and for any of you that may have watched the show. The blonde that Chuck brings back from Paris is from the Harry Potter movies. She was in Goblet of Fire as well as the Deathly Hallows. 

So just a warning to those that think taking down the mean girl is really going to make a difference think again. There will always be another one to take there place. And to those that are the mean girls trust me there will come a time when you are lonely and won’t have anyone because you have hurt everyone that ever cared about you. So my advise be humble, be kind, and be generous.  

1300 Days and Happy Holidays!!!!!

1300 Days!!!!!

So I have been clean for 1300 days. I couldn’t be more proud of myself. My husband has been going through detox and it was a great reminder as to why I don’t ever want to go back to that life. Although I do fear the mind mess that happens from time to time. But thanks to someone I knew from high school, my husband and I are in a much better place. Hoping to celebrate a little tonight. I will probably celebrate in another 200 days when I hit 1500 days.

Happy Holidays!!!!!!!

So the mini me and monster had a good Christmas. They cleaned up pretty well. Mini me got the Disney Infinity 2.0 so she is thrilled and constantly wants to play it. Monster go a bunch of toys that require batteries which of course I wish those toys were never invented. When you hear the same thing play the same song over and over again it becomes annoying very quickly. Oh the life of having young kids. This is only time when I wish my kids were older. Oh and my mother in law bought flashing red noses for her grandkids and of course mini me loves the thing.

Well I hope everyone enjoys the rest of the holiday season and I will see you in the new year.

The Life of a Recovering Addict! – Warning Graphic Content

So I have never really talked about my problems with substances and drugs with anyone in depth. I most certainly haven’t even talked about it with my husband. So this post may come as a shock to even him. Please remember that this is once again my experience and does not speak for all addicts.

So I can say that my troubles with substances started at a young age. I don’t even think that I was in middle school yet when I started to have problems. Which you would think that someone who had just gone through the D.A.R.E program would have been deterred from going down the path that I was about to take. My parents were good parents and they wanted to believe the best in their child. However, I did want I had to, to cover my own self and not to bring about the trouble that I figured would be given to me if I confessed. My parents kept their alcohol in a closet in our basement. My parents weren’t big drinkers, actually it think most of that alcohol ended going to my brother after he turned 21 and moved out. The most I ever remember my parents drinking was when I was little was when my grandmother would come to visit from Evergreen Park and they would have I believe a 7&7. Don’t quote me on that because I only remember the drink contained 7-Up and a brown liquor. Although I can still tell you how to make them for my mom and grandma. They would drink them out of these McDonald’s glasses that we had. There were three ice cubes in each, my mom had the brown liquor to the middle of the arches and my grandmother to the top and then fill with 7-Up. Why I remember this I don’t know. Especially since I can’t remember the last time I actually made one for either or them.

So my parents had an array of liquor in this closet. I honestly can’t tell you what most of it was. But I can tell you that my favorite one was in a square glass bottle that was dark in color. And it was mint flavored because it reminded me of mouthwash. I also fell in love with Peppermint Schnapps that was in the freezer in the basement. So I had my first taste of alcohol somewhere between 5th and 6th grade. Every once in a while I would sneak downstairs when no one was home and take a sip here and there. Then when I was in 6th grade was the first time I cut myself. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was on a three-way call at the time and I was in the basement. I picked up a pair of semi-dull scissors and started slowly sawing. I would continue this throughout high school.

Sometime in middle school, I discovered Mike’s Hard Lemonade. This would become my drink of choice for most of my life. However, I couldn’t always get a hold of it so I have a fondness for any hard liquor that is clear. I hate anything brown. I started smoking cigs my freshman year of high school. I wouldn’t give that up until my late 20s for good. I tried quitting many times over the years but didn’t quit for good until the last year or so. So now I have a second major event happen in my life on September 13, 2002. This leads me to meth. So for the next few months I am using it to just make it through school. I am sure a couple of my teachers suspected something was up but I was never confronted about it.

My parents had attempted to get me psychological help since the first major event in my life in 7th grade. However, I never truly trusted anyone they had me see and well I have been diagnosed with everything under the sun. I still have doctor’s trying to change my diagnosis because they want to shove some new pill down my throat. Well I used meth until I couldn’t afford it without raising suspicion. So I then went back to alcohol. Because of my experience when people tell me that weed is a gateway drug and will laugh and call them a liar. Sorry to burst your bubble but I refused to touch weed until I was older and only then did it because I wanted something to escape what I was feeling and didn’t know where to go to get what I wanted. So for the rest of high school, I drank to deal with my issues. I also supplied it to my friends if they wanted it.

After high school and during my first serious relationship is when I was first exposed to weed. Both him and I had a history with drug use but it didn’t phase either of us. We didn’t get high a lot because he was on probation. However, after I got pregnant and he got off probation things changed. He wanted to get high more often and I had just had the baby so I didn’t feel it was appropriate. Well things between him and I ended and well other things occurred and the demons inside me decided that it was time to come to the surface again. I couldn’t fight them and keep them down any longer. I had met my first husband who had his own issues with addiction. (If I gloss over parts about him, it is not because I am trying to hid anything. I just don’t feel right speaking ill of the dead). We were trouble for each other but we didn’t really care. We loved each other in a twisted and co-dependent way. So we got married and toxicity prevailed. We both drank and smoked weed. Things in my life spiraled out of hand and yes I had a kid and I should have put her first. I feel horrible guilt about it every day and I am trying to make it right every day. We lived with my parents so they helped with my daughter. I was there every morning with her, and there isn’t a moment I wasn’t with her. I just was not always in my right mind. I would like to add that I was never irresponsible and drove a vehicle while impaired with her in it.

Well my mom died on February 6, 2009 and it was horrible. I didn’t cope well at all. And of course my first husband, John, has lost his parents years ago and it reminded him of losing his mom. So John didn’t cope well either. So things with us was up and down. You never which version of us you were going to get each day. John and I tried to our acts together which worked for a few month until his best friend died. That’s when things became their darkest. Two weeks after his friend died, John died. I couldn’t handle anything anymore. Of course I didn’t have the greatest influences in my life and well at that point I just didn’t care any more. I traded for drugs or alcohol. I didn’t care I just didn’t want to feel any more. I wanted it all just to disappear. I headed for rock bottom and fast. This is when I met the person that would change my life for the better. I met my husband, Jason, on October 24, 2009. Things have not been easy for him. I was going to go to rehab when I met him. Which I was completely honest about on our first date. I nearly OD’ed on him within the first month of dating. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease in the first six months of dating. Was in and out of the hospital for the next 6 months. He and I both had surgery with in the first two years of being together. I didn’t listen to him and got myself in a bad incident. This lead to the last time I used drugs. He had always told me that if I ever used again he would leave. He had hoped that it would help keep me sober. I was so afraid to tell him I had relapsed.

I have given him so many reasons to leave. And yet this wonderful man has stuck by my side through it all. He takes all my bitchiness when I can’t cope. He deals with it even when I refuse to talk about it and try to push him away. We have been together for 5 years (married for 3) and there are not enough words to express how grateful I am that he loves me and will spend the rest of his life with me. By no means is our life or marriage perfect. We are flawed and have issues. But no matter what we are in it for life. Ride or Die, it’s just the way we are. Without him, I wouldn’t be here right now writing this. I wouldn’t have another daughter, who in her own right is amazing. I would be here to see my mini me do all the amazing things she does and is learning and growing up to be such a wonderful replica of me. I wouldn’t have an awesome mother-in-law that helps deal with Jason, when I just can’t sometimes. I have my dad who is a great support and wonderful to his grandkid. I may not always get along with my sister-in-law or my father-in-law but I definitely know they have my back when I need them. Not to leave out my husband’s step-parents, Paul is a wonderful person, who makes me laugh a lot, even if he is a Bears fan. And Sylvia, has introduced me to some of my most favorite characters in books that I have been able to pass along to others.

I know that without having the experiences that I have had, I would not have the wonderful life I have now. And again, I don’t claim to be perfect, nor do I have it all together or figured out. But I wouldn’t trade my life for anyones.

Grinchy this Holiday Season!

Since my mom died almost six years ago now, the holidays just aren’t the same. Not only is there a celebration from August through October for us but also in December is what would be my parents’ wedding anniversary. So let just say from August on I become a little more “Grinchy” until after the new year starts. It’s not like I purposely get that way but it is just how it is. My brother and I’s birthday are both in August. Then mini me’s birthday is in September. Halloween in October, Thanksgiving in November and Christmas in December. So it is just more reminders of my mom not being there that are just unrelenting.

Let me be honest. It is not that I devalue my dad. Trust me I wouldn’t have made it through some of the stuff in my life if I hadn’t had my dad here. But there is just something special about moms. I took for granted having my mom around and I didn’t realize how much she had influenced my life until after she was gone. Anyone that has ever lost a parent knows exactly what that pain is. It doesn’t matter about all the bad times or all the times that you couldn’t get along. It is just about the love you have for them and how much you miss them on a daily basis.

Unlike my brother, I am very much a black sleep in the family. So most of the extended family on both my dad’s and mom’s side of the family don’t talk to me. So I have lost all connections to my mom that don’t come from my dad and brother. I know the same will happen when my dad is gone. So I am trying to cherish the time I have with my dad and the memories we make with my kids. My children adore my dad and they have a bond with him that I know wouldn’t be there if I had up and moved out of state like I wanted to oh so many years ago.

I haven’t always been the greatest daughter or sister. But I am trying to fix that. I have a lot of amends to make but with those who are immediately close to me, I feel like they have seen and accepted those amends. I know that it is going to be a long process because I don’t have a direct line of communication to them. But I am not going to stop until I have exhausted all efforts.

Well it is almost 8am and well I have lots of work to do today so I am going to try and be productive today while also trying to get all the decorations down.

I am surviving in so many ways!!!!!

So I wrote about how it was going to be a long day for me. Well thanks to my dad and my wonderful husband, I ended up surviving that very long day. My dad was nice enough to watch the little monster in the morning while my husband went to the doctor so I could sleep and my husband was nice enough to let me continue to sleep even after he got home.

The only downfall to all the sleep I got was that it limited the time I had to get everything I needed to do for our card shop done. I wanted to get everything listed on eBay before a certain time so that way the auctions weren’t ending at a obnoxious hour of the night. But I was able to rush and do all of it in time. The funny part to me was as I was listing all of our stuff for the month, people were already bidding on things. Of course I woke up after I went to bed this morning to more bid and two cards being bought out right.

But I am hoping that tonight I will be on a normal sleep schedule thanks to my awful Crohn’s Disease. So from December 1st through December 7th is Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis Awareness week. So I was diagnosed in 2010 with Crohn’s Disease in my small intestine. I had surgery in 2011 and was in remission for 2 years. I have been on Humira since August of 2013. Now if you ever listen to one of the Humira commercials, there are the risks of 5 different types of cancer and some other horrible side effects. Well the only side effect that seems beneficial today is the fact that it makes me tired. So I am hoping to be on a regular sleep schedule for at least the next two weeks. The only thing that makes me made is I was suppose to get my delivery of Humira from the specialty pharmacy last week and of course they didn’t. So I was late taking my dose because it was due Sunday but I didn’t get my medicine until today after calling and getting the run around from the specialty pharmacy.

I want people to know one thing especially when it comes to Crohn’s and UC. If someone tells you that they have it please don’t say, “well you don’t look sick.” This hits a nerve with a lot of people that have IBD. IBD is considered an invisible illness. Most of us don’t show the effects of the disease on the outside but we are greatly suffering on the inside. Also there is NO CURE for IBD and what works for one person does not mean that it will work for another. So if you know more than one person when IBD don’t tell them that just because one person responded to a specific diet that it will help them. We all suffer from different trigger foods and some of us have the disease more severe than others. Please be kind and considerate. Consider listening to the person suffering and just being there for support. Trust me, we need the support more than we need the lecture.

And on a final note, I promised if I survived the long day that I would give a little more information on the book. So I will give three things about my book.

Fact #1: It is completely told from my perspective
Fact #2: It is part of my amends to many peope
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(Spoiler Alert)

Fact #3: It is my adoption story

It’s going to be a long day for me!!!!

I think I mentioned it before that my sleep schedule is completely off. So right now I am up writing this and my bed has been invaded by my two year old. I love the little monster but she certainly knows how to invade a king size bed. Well my husband has an appointment in the morning and well if I don’t go to sleep soon I am not going to get any sleep before my 7 year old has to leave for school and my husband has to go to the doctor. 

I don’t like when these nights happen because I would like to get a little sleep before I have to work and deal with the daily grind. So I actually work a couple jobs on top of trying to author a book. I just like to keep myself super busy. I believe the saying goes “idle hands do the devil’s work.” So I am always doing something. Luckily for me, my jobs allow me to work out of the house. I just an online trading card shop that specializes in Yugioh cards. I am also an independent sale rep for Jewelry In Candles. So while working on promoting my businesses, I also keep track of inventory and getting new product all the time.
On top of being busy with all the work I do. It is the holiday season, so of course I have to dig out the Christmas decorations and start to decorate the house. I cook dinner also every night while juggling two kids that want my attention when I am trying to cook. I help my 7 year old (mini me) with her home work after dinner while teaching little monster with ABC Mouse. I get “me” time only during the times when I am up in the middle of the night. During this “me” time, I watch my shows that I am generally behind by a couple weeks on, work on timelines for business things, write my book and enjoy a little reading. While I can’t always get everything I want done in a day, I have learned not to stress about it.
I use to run myself ragged trying to do too many things in one day. I try to do the best to pace myself. Plus I am going to be starting up college again in January. Which of course means even less time for me to do things. So I have learned to prioritize what I need to get done. No matter what I am in the middle of at 5pm every evening I stop what I am doing and start making dinner. The only day that my alarm doesn’t go off in the morning is Saturdays. My husband is wonderful enough to allow to me sleep in when he can and take naps if I need them.
As I am writing this I can’t help but laugh. Not only I am talking about the mundane existence that is my life but I am watching This is 40 and think boy did they get it right. Sad part is I am over a decade away from 40. But there is just something about being married and having kids that puts your life in a pattern that you just relate to certain things better now than you did back years before. However, I do have some guilty pleasures that keep me young. The kid’s section of Netflix is one of them. I love getting my kids to watch the cartoons I watched as a kid with me. Plus I live for Jay and Silent Bob. If you don’t know what that is a reference to, I suggest you 1. Google Kevin Smith and 2. Start by watching the cult classic Clerks.
I can’t believe that it is a quarter to 4 in the morning. I think I will try and read and see if I can fall asleep for a few precious hours before the rest of the world comes alive. However, I will miss watching the sun rise if I do fall asleep. It is one of those things is nature that just makes me stop and appreciate everything I have. Well if I survive the day, I may just may give some more insight into not only my life but also some of the book.

End of Day 11/29 Edition

So like I said before I wanted to set some goals for myself and see if I could do them all. As I said with my goal post I had pretty much done the first one. I did manage to have a good day with my kids even though right now I am fighting some sort of cold. So I try to keep a little distance when I am having coughing spells. I did not finish writing two chapters in my book. But I am probably going to be working on that after I post this because everyone will be asleep and I will be able to work with piece in quiet while listening to either the tv, music or netflix. I love netflix it has saved my sanity many times when working on different things by being my background noise. My husband and I didn’t have movie night in the way I wanted. But we did end up watching some of our shows on the dvr together. At least we had some one on one time after the kids went to bed. I decided that I would wait to work on the Christmas gifts for the parents/grandparents when my husband can give me some input on it. I need some help picking all the pictures for the project. And I will probably read the chapters I wanted to after I finish working on the book. I really like to read right before I go to sleep because it seems to bring my imagination alive in my dreams. Not to mention I can laugh, cry and have whatever weird reactions I want without strange looks from my husband.

I also promised that I would post a little about what my book was about. I will tell you the following details about the book. Trust me as we go along I will reveal more but right now I just want to keep parts of it under wraps because I am not letting any of my family read it until it is done. And yes that means that my husband has not read any of it and he knows that I don’t want him to read it until I have completed it.

Fact 1:
– It is a true story

Fact 2:
– I reveal some of my most inter demons

Fact 3:
– I struggle a lot in the book

Fact 4:
– I am brutally honest about the reality of situations

Fact 5:
– I hope when the book is complete I can close a chapter of my life and move on and know I did everything I could to be honest, fair, humble, forgiving, and apologetic

Goals for the Day!!! 11/29 Edition

So I figured that I would use this as a way to help keep me on track with some of my goals. I will be able to keep track of them as well as note whether or not I accomplished them.

Goal 1:
– Offer to help someone achieve a goal of their (done)

Goal 2:
– Manage to have good day with my kids (working on this after I finish write this post)

Goal 3:
– Finish writing 2 chapters in my book (I will work on this when everyone goes to bed)

Goal 4:
– Movie night with the Hubby (Really need to find a movie we both want to watch)

Goal 5:
– Finish playing around with the Christmas gifts for the grandparents. (Hopefully the one site doesn’t crash on me again)

Goal 6:
– Read at least a chapter or two of the book I am reading. (I am currently reading The Golden Lily by Richelle Meade. You have to read the Vampire Academy series and then move on to Bloodlines to understand the storyline.)

I will check back in on my goals before I go to bed. Also I tend to have odd hours because my sleep pattern is thrown off. So I might not post until 3am or it could be before that. Plus I will talk a little bit about the book.

A Little Introduction

Okay. I am starting this blog as a way to kind of work on the book I am writing as well as just to put things out in the universe. I don’t want to give away what the book is completely about right now. So let me just start out by putting some labels (although it is horrible to do) on myself, so you know where I am coming from.
I am…
A wife
A mother
A daugther
A friend
An Addict
A student
A writer
A business owner
A feminist
A free thinker
A damaged soul
But most importantly….. I am ME!
Let me stay this before I get any hate mail that says I am self righteous and think I am perfect. I am far from perfect. I have many demons in my past. I have made many many mistakes. However, I am working on changing myself and making myself a better person. While I don’t always handle criticism well. I want to hear from you. I want to know what you think about what you read. I love honesty no matter how hard it is to hear. This is how I grow.
I love quotes. So you may notice that I will post them with what I am talking about. Sometimes it will be from a book, a movie, a song or even just something I have found on the internet. You will find that I am stubborn and will try to defend myself even if I am wrong. However, I will eventually learn and apologize for my mistakes. Just bare with me as we take this journey. Remember, an journey is a process and we must be willing to change our path it get to where we need to be.